Ron's Conscience
by stupidity101
Summary: With a conscience like Ron's it's easy to mess up.
1. Ron's Head

Disclaimer: I would just like to say. that.. I. just. bought. nothing. Aren't you guys happy for me? J.K. still has Harry, but I still love her. Hugs and Kisses J.K.  
  
Ron's Conscience  
  
Chapter 1: Inside's Ron's Head  
  
Dear Bob,  
Ok, I know you are really a diary but do you have to rub it in? Bob is what I will call you, and you shall be mine, and you are my Bob. Anyway, Ginny gave you to me for what she calls "my early Christmas present". Ha! Gin, I love you dearly but you are a bit. well how can I put this? Brain Challenged. Sorry but Christmas isn't for another five months, three weeks, six days, seven hours, 10 minutes, and 123673 seconds and shut up I know you count too. So, yes, brain challenged, that is what you are and always shall be Gin my dear; don't even try to deny it. But now that I think about it she did snigger after handing it to me. I wonder if she knows something. I wonder if she knows too much. That would really suck. What if she knows that I really like Hermione and I want her to marry me and have tons of kids and live happily ever after? Did that just come out of my mouth? Well not technically since I am writing to you Bob, but still? Did that really-  
  
"Ron! Shut up it did. It got annoying after did the first time!"  
  
"Sorry." Ron said putting his head down in shame, then immediately shot it back up. "Wait, Who's there? Where are you? Show yourself! I just want you to know-"  
  
"That you are some type of lethal weapon. Yea, Yea, I get that a lot. And for your 411 I cannot show myself because I just happen to be inside your head. Sorry I didn't get you anything for your little celebration for meeting your conscience for the first time. You can call me Pete."  
  
"Pete?"  
  
"Yea Pete. It's not my fault all the other consciences took all the good names. Take Cricket for instance." The newly named creepy guy Pete stuck in Ron's head said.  
  
"Sorry 'bout that mate"  
  
"Hey it's ok, not like you can do anything about it. I've been thinking about bringing up a name change at the next UGCOTW meeting."  
  
"UGCOTW?"  
  
"United Great Consciences Of The World."  
  
"Right."  
  
"It's great fun. This week we have a guest star speaking. Pinocchio is comin'."  
  
"Sounds just grand." Ron said meaning it like he believed Malfoys are wonderful people.  
  
"Oh it is! He's speaking about-"  
  
"How to wish upon a star?"  
  
"No, that's what Cricket spoke about last time. No, this week Pinocchio is telling us how to save the trees." Pete said. "So, how's life?"  
  
"Can't complain"  
  
"I see. Any girls in your life?"  
  
"Umm."  
  
"Wait. Don't tell me, it's comin' to me. Hermione?"  
  
"How'd ya know?"  
  
"Lets just say a little Bob told me." "What? Oh! Right."  
  
"You know Ron, you have got to get quicker on the uptake."  
  
"There's hidden meaning behind that statement. I know it."  
  
"You'll figure it out soon enough."  
  
A creak from the staircase was heard and not wanting to be heard Ron quickly told Pete to shut up and shut Bob in a flash. His bedroom door slowly opened to show a curious Hermione on the other side. She and Harry had come over just a week ago to spend the rest of the summer with the Weasleys.  
  
"Hey Ron, um. I heard voices and I came up to see what the trouble was. I don't see any so. I . guess I'll go now. " Hermione said confused as to why there was only Ron there.  
  
Tell her to stay! Quick before she leaves.  
  
"Oh! Right! Umm. Hermione why don't you come in? We haven't had much time to talk. Yea, talk." Ron said not knowing why he was taking advice by a psycho conscience.  
  
"Umm. Sure Ron." Hermione said carefully coming into to the pigsty "What do you want to talk about?"  
  
Flowers!  
  
"Flowers?" Ron whispered in shock hoping Hermione didn't hear. She did.  
  
"Flowers?" Hermione said fully believing that Ron should be put in Mungo's.  
  
"Uh. Yea. Flowers. They are pretty this year aren't they?"  
  
"Yea, Ron they are pretty." She said slowly creeping towards the door.  
  
Just like you!  
  
"Just like you!" Ron blurted realizing he had no control over his mouth.  
  
Hermione stopped dead in her tracks. "What did you say?" She asked hoping against hope she heard right. After all it was her dream to marry Ron, have tons of kids, and live happily ever after. Though she highly doubted that Ron shared her view.  
  
"I said just like you."  
  
"Why did you say it?" Hermione said waiting for the answer. It didn't come in the proper way.  
  
"Pete, the guy in my head told me to say it."  
  
"Pete?"  
  
"Yea Pete. It's a bit pathetic. He said its because all the other guys took the good names. He wants to change it."  
  
"Well, tell Pete I said Hi." And with that she walked out of the room shutting the door behind her.  
  
That went well.  
  
"Shut up." 


	2. Good Advice

Just for the record, it's not mine (except for Pete and the plot)  
  
Ron's Conscience  
  
Chapter 2: Good Advice  
  
"Flowers? That's all you could come up with?" Ron said as soon as he was sure the coast was clear.  
  
"Sorry, that was the second thing on my mind. Would you rather have talked about ping-pong instead?"  
  
"Ping-Pong?"  
  
"My point exactly."  
  
"Great! Now she thinks I'm a dork." Ron said putting his head down.  
  
"Oh Ron, she knew already, she just didn't know how much of a dork you were."  
  
"Thanks. That really helps my dilemma. Now could you please give me some real advice?"  
  
"I have."  
  
"Good advice?"  
  
"I have."  
  
"In my point of view?"  
  
"I-"  
  
"Ya know what, I'm gonna go down there and act like nothing happened and you can stay here while I do that."  
  
"Ok, but una prablema kiddo. I'm kinda in your head. Yea."  
  
"Aww Shit!" Ron cursed under his breath. "Why are you here anyway? You never show up until now? And on top of that you are doin' a real shitty job. Now could you please leave?" "Uhhh. No. See I have to be here until we solve your problem. And by the rate it's goin' I'm gonna be here for a LONG time."  
  
"Could you please tell me which problem we are trying to solve?"  
  
"The non-Hermione problem."  
  
"Oh, That one." Ron said. "Well I'm still gonna go down there. Could you at least shut up?"  
  
"Whatever."  
  
As Ron walked into the kitchen, where everyone was, Hermione ran out of the room, Ginny snorted, and Harry looked at him quizzically. Ron just stood there.  
  
"Hey mate," Harry said. "I guess it didn't go too well up there." Harry and Ginny both burst out laughing. They couldn't hold it in any longer.  
  
"So I guess you won't have Hermione clinging to you any sooner." Ginny said as soon as she stopped laughing long enough to say it.  
  
"Shut up. You're just as bad as Pete." Ron said  
  
Hey!  
  
"You mean there really is a Pete." Harry said looking at Ron as if he was an escapee from a mental institution.  
  
"Yea, So" Ron said feeling less and less hopeful that there would be some sanity in the world.  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Yea."  
  
"And now I don't know what to do. Hermione thinks I am a freak."  
  
Ron, we went over this. "Could you guys help me?" Ron said choosing to ignore the thing in his head.  
  
"Ok Ron under one condition" Ginny said.  
  
A/N: Sorry to leave you guys at a cliff. I really don't know what I should do. If you guys have any ideas I would love to hear them. Hugs and Kisses. 


	3. Screaming, Running, and Being Scared Out...

Yo, Yo! Sorry it took me so long to get this up. Thanks to all who reviewed. And Guys, JK still has these characters, exept for Pete. Pete is my man. I heart you Pete!  
  
Ron's Conscience  
Chapter 3: Screaming, Running, and Being Scared Out of Your Wits  
  
"No Ginny! That's gross! Do you hear me? Gross! I will never ever run around yours and Hermione's room naked. Do you hear me? That's Gross! Eww, Ginny you are so ewwwwwwwww...."  
  
"Ron, I never said anything."  
  
"Oh, Right."  
  
"You were thinking of doing that weren't you-"  
  
"Shut up Harry."  
  
"Well anyway," Ginny started off. "What I was really gonna say is write her a poem."  
  
"A poem?" Ron asked.  
  
"Yea Ron, you know, the thing that rhymes." Pete said breaking his vow of temporary silence.  
  
"Who said that?" Harry asked looking around for the thing that took his job of teasing his best friend.  
  
"That was Pete." Ron said. "And anyway shut up, Pete I know what a poem is."  
  
"No, you don't"  
  
"How would you know?"  
  
"Because I'm in this pea you call a brain."  
  
"Pete, you're not making this any better." Ron said under his breath.  
"So wait, you mean to tell me that there really is a psycho named Pete in your head." Harry said.  
  
"Dude, shut up or I'll pop inside your head." Pete said. "And anyway, who said I was a psycho?"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.." Harry said running away from Ron.  
  
"Nice going Ron! Now you got Harry even more out of his mind! You are so... so... You! Grrrrrrrrrrr!" Ginny said running after Harry.  
  
"Sorry, I got my own problems to worry about!" Ron yelled after Ginny.  
  
But meanwhile when everyone was screaming, running, and scared out of his or her wits, no one knew that little Hermione was listening the entire time.  
  
A/N: Sorry it's a bit short. I promise I'll get more but I'm going away and won't get them up anytime soon but I promise I'll have it finished by the time I get back. Hugs and Kisses and Happy Holidays! (did anyone else notice that I have a run-on sentence? Wooo go bad grammar!) 


	4. The Children of Ron's Idle Stuffing

Hey guys I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry about the wait. I love you guys. Well, anywho here's the long awaited chapter!  
  
Ron's Conscience  
  
Chapter 4: The Children of Ron's Idle Stuffing  
  
'Merlin! Ron was telling the truth! I guess I'll have to go see him!' Hermione thought. Hermione came back into the house and started to find Ron. She found him in the living room taking a nap on the couch.  
  
"Ron, Ron! Wake up Ron!" Hermione said poking his shoulder. Ron woke up with a grunt.  
  
"What?" Ron said rubbing the sleep from his eyes.  
  
"Ron, I just wanted to say I love you and I hope we get married," and with that Hermione started kissing Ron. Soon they were snogging on Ron's living room couch.  
  
"Ron! Ron!" Hermione said but strangely enough it wasn't her voice. It was Harry's.  
  
Ron opened one eye and sure enough Harry was standing over him.  
  
"What do you want Harry? If you don't need anything I'll go back to sleep because I was having a great dream and you are ruining it!" Ron said with a grunt closing his eyes.  
  
"Ron, I have bad news, Hermione married Krum." At this Ron was wide- awake.  
  
"Noooooooooooooooooooooo! No, No"  
  
"Ron, wake up. It's ok it was just a nightmare" said a voice. Ron looked up and found he had fallen asleep at the table. Standing next to him was Hermione. "Ron, I'm sorry. I just wanted to say, would you make me some tea?"  
  
"That's not right. It wasn't like that in the dream. Go back. Go back."  
  
"Ron? Ron!" It was Harry.  
  
"Not to there!"  
  
"Ron, what the HELL are you talking about?!" Hermione asked.  
  
"Oh, right." Ron said. "I guess I'll go to my room seeing it's dark out."  
  
"Oh, Ok. 'Night Ron." Hermione said with a hint of disappointment in her voice.  
  
Ron ran up the stairs to his room.  
  
"You little butt-head. You did that on purpose!" Ron screamed as soon as he shut the door to his room.  
  
"Sorry, I was just trying to tell you that needed to get the girl sooner in the vaguest way possible." Pete said.  
  
"Thanks, I guess." Ron said. "Well what can I do? Harry's gone berzerk, Ginny's pissed because Harry's gone berzerk, and Hermione is.. well.. beautiful."  
  
"Well you could take her on a picnic and tell her you love her under the moon." Pete suggested.  
  
"I don't think she'll like that much. What I was thinking was-"  
  
"No, Ron." Pete said. "That won't work. Take her out on the picnic. I think that's the safest route."  
  
"Ok, whatever man. I don't think she'll have a good time though." 


	5. With Rubber, Not Latex

Ron's Conscience  
  
Chapter 5: With Rubber, not Latex  
  
Ron woke the next morning to the smell of burnt pizza. 'Must be Ginny' Ron thought. He got out of bed, took a shower, got dressed and went down stairs. But it was not ginny who was cooking, it was Harry.  
  
"No wonder the Dursleys hated you mate. Your tea smells like burnt pizza." Ron said. "I thought one couldn't burn water, but you proved me wrong mate."  
  
"Funny, but this isn't my cooking. It's Hermione's"  
  
"Really? Well it smells wonderful and Harry you shouldn't make fun of my woman 'cuz next time I'll slap you so hard you won't be able to touch your face with latex gloves!"  
  
"What if I had rubber gloves?"  
  
"I guess you could, but only with rubber gloves."  
  
"Alright."  
  
"Hey Ron, Hey Harry" Ginny said walking into the kitchen smiling at Harry.  
  
'Hey Ron,' Ah, it was Pete once again to screw up the day. 'Umm is it just me, or is there something going on between those two?'  
  
"How would you know?" Ron whispered back to Pete. Harry and Ginny were not phased by this considering they had gotten used to the fact that Ron now talked to himself.  
  
'I am Pete what else do I need?'  
  
"A brain."  
  
'I'm renting yours but I may need my money back considering it's not working very well though, see it smells like burnt cheese when you try and turn it on'  
  
"Dude, that's pretty old, but whatever I'll ask them." Ron said turning towards Ginny and Harry.  
  
"So what did Pete have to say this time?" Harry asked getting a giggle out of Ginny.  
  
"He said that Ginny is damn ugly, you're a jackass Harry, and Hermione is one sexy mama. Also, he believes that the ugly one and the jackass are a couple."  
  
"Pshh. That's stupid Ron! Why would Harry and I be a couple? Were just messin' with ya. Right Harry?" Ginny said looking flabbergasted.  
  
"Umm yea-" Harry responded intelligently.  
  
"Ginny, I saw the way you looked at him, hun." Pete said.  
  
"Oh." Said Ginny.  
  
"So you guys-" Ron asked. Sort of.  
  
"Yea." Ginny and Harry said looking away.  
  
"Hey Guys!" Hermione said, walking into the kitchen.  
  
"Hey," Ron said breathlessly.  
  
'Umm Ron, is it my imagination or is it supposed to be the other way around?'  
  
"Shut up you are my imagination." Ron said to Pete  
  
"Hey Ron." Hermione said breathlessly choosing to ignore Ron's statement.  
  
'There it is. Thank you'  
  
"So, what should we do today guys?" Ginny asked trying to get Ron and Hermione to stop staring at each other disgustingly. She and Harry didn't do that. Did they? But anyway, her attempts were in vain because they were still staring and staring and staring and well, you get the point.  
  
"I was gunna go on a picnic with Hermione, if she wanted to." Ron said, still- you know.  
  
"Great sounds like fun. Harry and I will join you." Ginny said, inviting herself to this 'picnic', well, and Harry.  
  
"Okay" Hermione commented still in the staring contest, not knowing what she was actually saying at all. She just gave into complete Hell. 


	6. Complete Hell

Ron's Conscience  
  
Chapter 6: Complete Hell (or the Picnic)  
  
"Ron, did we ever invite them?" Hermione said, looking at Harry and Ginny disgustingly - they were in a pretty big game of tonsil hockey.  
  
"I dunno. I think we were drunk or something," Ron said, also looking at them astonished.  
  
"No, we can't buy alcohol remember. I think we were stoned."  
  
"You're probably right Hermione."  
  
"Well what should we do, seeing as we can't do much with them around?"  
  
"Ok, I have a few suggestions. One, watch them snog each other like some kind of kid porn, or leave."  
  
"I'll take the latter, Ron"  
  
"What ladder?"  
  
"Let's just go." Hermione said. She got up and started walking deeper into the woods. Ron obediently followed still wondering about this 'ladder' and where Hermione got the idea that they had brought a ladder with them.  
  
'Maybe she wanted to climb a tree Ron.' Pete said trying to help Ron with his current dilemma. Of course Ron didn't understand this either and became even more pensive about this whole ladder situation.  
  
'Why is she being so stupid?' Ron asked himself not realizing that he was in fact the stupid one. After all Hermione was leading him into a dark part of the woods where there may be spiders.  
  
"Ok Ron, we're here."  
  
"Where's here?"  
  
"Here"  
  
"But where is here when we were over there." He nodded over towards Ginny and Harry's snogging grounds.  
  
"Well it is here but we called it there when we were not here."  
  
"Wait that would mean-"  
  
"Oh come off it Ron!"  
  
"Fine. What are we doing HERE anyway?"  
  
"This" and with that Hermione and Ron officially made HERE their snogging grounds.  
  
And with a pop Pete left. For good. 


	7. Almost

Ron's Conscience  
  
Chapter 7: Almost  
  
"And that my darling niece is how your Aunt Hermione and I got together."  
  
"Wow. That's cool, Uncle Ron." Said Mae (Harry and Ginny's daughter) not really wanting to hear that. She only did that to get away from her annoying brother and cousins (except for Scarlet her cool cousin one of the many Uncle Ron and Aunt Hermione kids). "When is Scarlet getting back?"  
  
"Pretty soon." Hermione said coming into the room to be alone with Ron.  
  
"Oh, Ok."  
  
"Mae?" It was Harry coming to gather his kids, Ginny by his side.  
  
"Hi daddy." Mae said running to greet her dad but stopped when-  
  
"SHIT!"  
  
"What dear?" Hermione asked, confused from her husband's sudden outburst.  
  
"Pete"  
  
'You don't seem so happy to hear from me again.'  
  
"He's back?" Harry asked.  
  
"Yes"  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Harry screamed running out of the house.  
  
Life was wonderful.  
  
A/n: I would just like to say thank you to all who reviewed and thanks to my friend who helped me right part of chapter 5 6 and 7. Thanks Bean! 


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